So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
