Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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