I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
