No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
