Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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