I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
