fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
