I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
