Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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