I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You are a genius and a whore.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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