Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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