During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
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Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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