Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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