I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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