he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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