You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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