"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
