if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
