This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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