she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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