there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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