the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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