I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
