She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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