This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Omg I joined a choir last night...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
