So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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