Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
