Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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