I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
