I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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