why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
