to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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