Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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