I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
