Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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