I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
