im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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