Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Lo siento on account of my penis...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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