2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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