Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
