when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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