I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
