I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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