I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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