Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
