i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
