I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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