my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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