apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
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