this beer tastes like vomit already
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
