I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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