This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
