Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
