I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
