apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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