You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
