dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
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I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
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My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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