If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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