I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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