great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
